How I failed to become a blogger

How I failed to become a…

  1. Food blogger. If you had the courage to make it, you’ll have the courage to eat it!

I must admit, this is a case where a motto “do it yourself” smoothly turns into a motto “eat it youself too.” I usually cook 5 dishes, then it turns out that only one of them is delicious, and you never know which one (Russian roulette). Therefore, I will not write about food. All food bloggers, who have followed my blog by mistake after the previous “appetizing” post, sorry. Just in case, I say farewell to you… = (

  1. News blogger. “Did I ever tell ya I’ve been struck by lightning seven times?”

Well, it’s simple. While I’m translating news diligently from Russian into English with my old (WWII) Russian-German dictionary, that’s not news anymore = (

  1. Photo blogger. Show me emotion!

I have short conversations with technology (yes, I’m talking to it). When I take photos, and all the photos turn out black, after taking 3-4 pictures I begin to think suspiciously, “What’s the catch?” “A catch” – a black plastic piece of equipment, which provides protection from scratches and minor collisions for camera and lenses (glossary of photographic terms). You know, to use such photos in my blog is copyright infringement, I’ve heard that Black Square had been painted before me = (

  1. Cat blogger. I will reply to your comments only in the presence of my cat!

Like most normal people, I love cats, but to write about them… No, that’s more than I can bear. If I post a picture of a cute kitten, then write about it, the cuteness concentration will reach a critical point in my brain, and I’ll end up exploding into pieces of cupcakes, butterflies, pink unicorns and pretty newborns = (

  1. Fashion blogger. Tell me what you wear and I’ll tell you where you live.

While I’m waiting for the new Spring/Summer 2011 collection of kokoshniks, and while I’m dying my ear-flapped hat a oxblood colour (season’s top trend, they say on the radio… oxen are very popular in Russia, guess where I find the dye ;)) it will go out of fashion, and the coloured hat will fade on a white sarafan because of April snow = (

  1. Blogger-writer. My mom says that my books are the best

While I’m writing my new bestseller “Bloggers in Russia: Myth and Reality”, they will eventually appear in Russia, and everyone will know what happens at the end of the book (the murderer is a blogger). The mission “Intrigue of the Year” will be failed = (

  1. Beauty blogger. Trick or beauty Treatment?

The innovative anti-aging serum with antioxidants? No, not heard. Here’s how we do it in Russia. Mix: milk from Russian cows, petals of daisies from emerald meadows, ears of the grain from golden wheat fields, a little Russian badger’s fat and a little water from forest streams. Maybe the “elixir of youth” will not prevent you from getting wrinkles, but it will prevent facial expression wrinkles around your mouth, because you will not want to smile a very long time after the first application.

  1. Travel blogger. Danger! Rus detected!

Everything is fine, but sanctions is such a special thing that it’s as hard for cheese from Europe to get into Russia as it’s hard for the Russian people to get to the European cheese.

  1. Health blogger. Doctor, you took my heart away.

My pack gravatar will include the phrase “Reading this blog is dangerous for your health.” Despite knowing that, many people will continue smoking reading. They think they will only read occasionally and they can stop when they want to… but no.

  1. Technology-blogger. Which button should I press? Red one?

Few people realize that I write my blog on the birch-bark tablets, then purposely hired ghost-writers rewrite my posts into WordPress, since I’m a complete Luddite by nature, and as I’ve mentioned before, I have short conversations with technology (see Point 3 )

  1. Cinema blogger. Tell me how does the movie end and I’ll tell you “Thank you”.

I usually fall asleep at the beginning of the film. So, it’s necessary for me to hire someone who will wake me up at the end of the film in order to write a new post in my Cinema blog.

P.S. By the way, I mustn’t forget to hire someone who will be responsible for making long lists shorter, they say short lists are easier to read… not scientifically proven fact.


9 thoughts on “How I failed to become a blogger

  1. I think to follow a genre would be to deny the expanse of your potential. Why would the sun write only of Mars or the universe describe only the spiral galaxy that contains the angry blue planet. Anyone that can explode, “into pieces of cupcakes, butterflies, pink unicorns and pretty newborns,” must have the magic of humor and a sense of the dramatic that one can pretend to give up when one chooses. Such a pretense is likely a failure common to the addicted. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are funny, seriously! I enjoyed your posts that I’ve checked out. I am extremely busy right now, but, I will be back, and look out, because I am really going to peruse till my eyes pop out! See ya soon, Squatch.

    Liked by 1 person

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